In the two previous posts on managing difficult people and involving the 12 steps in preparation and planning we discussed the first 4 steps in dealing with difficult people like this.  Now let us consider some further steps for you in managing those difficult people that are in your life either at work or in your personal sphere.  Let us look at Steps 5 and 6.

STEP 5 IN STAYING AS OBJECTIVE AS YOU CAN

Set yourself a goal in managing people that you find difficult, frustrating, anxiety-producing and stressful.  Aim to be as objective as you possibly can.  Work on removing as much subjectivity as you can in handling these people.  The truth is that the more subjective you are, then the more emotional you will be.  Once you do become highly subjective and emotional then you are no longer able to really think or act clearly.  So aim to stay in control of your emotions and remain objective by trying to look at the facts, not your emotional reactions to that person and situation.

STEP 6 IN REMAINING CALM AND PROFESSIONAL

In truth, remaining objective and unemotional is not easy to do.  But part of the process in your planning and preparation in managing difficult people is to stay as calm and collected as possible.  To help you remain objective it really helps if you think of yourself as a cool, calm and collected professional.  Not a cold and heartless one.  But calm and professional in how you handle other people at work and in your personal life.

MORE IDEAS TO COME IN HANDLING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

There are more ideas to come.  In our next post we will discover two more steps from the 12 steps for you in your working and personal life and managing difficult people. If you have comments or thoughts from your own experience in dealing with difficult people then add your comments below.

Managing difficult people and the 12 steps in planning and preparation is something we talked about in the previous difficult people post.  We considered Steps 1 and 2 in the previous post, let’s learn more about Steps 3 and 4.

STEP 3 IN CHANGING YOUR MINDSET

We have often discussed the power of your mind in relation to dealing with difficult people.  Most often we consider these really difficult people to be a big problem.  They are seen as frustrating, demanding and very stressful.  However, if you decide to change your mindset and outlook, you will change the way you then respond in handling difficult people.  What if you decide that the difficult people that come into your life are not problems but challenges for you?  They are there for you to learn some very important lessons and challenge yourself to deal with difficult people now and in the future.

STEP 4 IN CHANGING YOUR RESPONSES TO OTHERS

When you change your mindset, then this automatically changes your responses in dealing with people.  If you look upon it all as a challenge then you will look for new ways to change your responses and behavior to meet these challenges.  Your altered outlook will ensure that you are now searching for more effective strategies in handling difficult people.

MORE IDEAS IN DEALING WITH PEOPLE

In our next post we’ll explore more ideas on the 12 steps for you in your personal and working life and managing difficult people.

Managing difficult people requires both skill and persistence. In reality, managing and supervising people in general also requires many skills and much patience and determination.

MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND THE 12 STEPS

In the previous difficult people post I mentioned the recent article on managing difficult people and the importance of preparation and planning. I want to expand a little more on each of the 12 steps from this article. Let’s start with the first 2 important steps and we’ll examine the other steps in further blog posts.

STEP 1 IN LISTENING WITH BOTH YOUR EYES AND EARS

In previous blog posts we’ve discussed listening with your eyes. Yet many people still do not understand just how important this skill is in handling difficult people. If you were to ask, “what should I concentrate on more – the words someone is saying or their body language?”. The answer is always to focus more on their body language because this makes up over 70% to 80% of how human beings communicate. So listen with your eyes to the body language of the other person. It will tell you so much more about the true meaning behind the words that another person is using. Work on becoming a listener with your eyes.

STEP 2 IN DECIDING TO NOT IGNORE IT ALL

When dealing with conflict, a large number of people hope that it all just goes away. They attempt to use an approach that is based on the idea that if I ignore it, then it will eventually go away. This does not often happen. Most often ignoring the conflict and difficult people in your life makes the situation much worse. Tension, stress, anger and anxiety builds up over time and makes the whole process more intense and eventually boils over. So no matter how much you would like to avoid handling difficult people – don’t. Decide now to no longer ignore conflict situations and develop a plan on how you are going to go about dealing with difficult people. Really ignorance is certainly not bliss in handling difficult people.

MORE IN DEALING WITH PEOPLE

In the next post we’ll explore more of ideas and steps for you in managing difficult people, whether they are found in your personal or working life.

Dealing with difficult people often means trying to work out how difficult someone is going to be for you.

THE DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE QUESTIONS

In the previous difficult people post we discussed some ideas on Sharon’s  question:  “How to detect these types of people quickly”.   And Lilian’s question:   “Is there any kind of trick to figure quickly that a difficult person will became a dangerous co-worker? I mean, there are difficult people and people that love to put a rock in your way…but there’s also people with difficulties.  How to figure quickly the difference and how to deal with each one?  Thanks”.

HERE ARE SOME QUICK TIPS ON PICKING REALLY DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Now there are many ideas you can put into practice but let’s start with 3 quick suggestions to open the window to picking difficult people early…

1. Keep your past experiences in mind.   We can learn much from our past experiences no matter how negative they have been.  If you have dealt with difficult people previously in your life then this can give you  greater insight when you come across someone similar in the future.  So take note of what you have learnt from the past to use in the present and future in managing difficult people.

2. Trust your intuition. Be prepared to trust your own feelings and intuition.  When things do not feel right and you cannot explain why but feel this way, then that is your intuition at work.  That strange feeling you have in the pit of your stomach about this other person.  Most often we ignore our gut feelings but many times listening to your own feelings, your intuition can be very important in dealing with people.

3.  Be cautious with others. When you meet new people in any situations, whether this is at work or in your personal life err on the side of caution.  Understand that it always takes time to get to know people.  And remember that people only reveal themselves and remove their masks slowly.  So start with caution when dealing with people and you will learn more safely who these people really are.

MORE IDEAS TO COME ON DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Have you more thoughts and ideas on finding out whether you will find a person difficult.   Whether they will be frustrating, stressful, obnoxious and a real problem to you.  Get ready for even more ideas in future posts on dealing with difficult people.

Dealing with difficult people can involve other people that you initially thought were okay.  However, you find out sooner or later that they are really demanding, frustrating, irritating, annoying and stressful.   Or you discover that they have serious psychological issues that surface later that you were not aware of and are extremely concerning for you.

SPOTTING THE DIFFICULT PEOPLE BEFORE THEY REALLY GET GOING

A number of subscribers have sent in questions asking how you can spot these difficult people early.  Thus avoiding all the suffering that comes later when you realize how difficult these people really are.    For example,  Sharon wants to know:   “How to detect these types of people quickly”.   And Lilian asks:   “Is there any kind of trick to figure quickly that a difficult person will became a dangerous co-worker? I mean, there are difficult people and people that love to put a rock in your way…but there’s also people with difficulties.  How to figure quickly the difference and how to deal with each one?  Thanks”.

MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND THE MAGIC WAND

To give both Sharon and Lilian the clearest answer.  It is this!  There is no foolproof spot the difficult person magic wand.  If there was such a wand we would all be waving it madly every time we came in contact with other people.   In other posts we will consider some tips that will help.  But in this post it is important to understand why it is so hard to initially work out other people.

LAYERS OF PROTECTION IN DEALING WITH PEOPLE

This is because we most often come wrapped in layers.  People reveal themselves to others in layers.  This means that we tend to get to know other people in layers, as they take off one layer and then another layer.   This can happen in a number of ways.  But two ways you reveal yourself to others is through: (a) becoming closer to another person and/or (b) having greater contact and spending time with them.

A.  FEELING CLOSE TO ANOTHER PERSON AND IN THE SNOW

Imagine this scenario.  You are snug and warm inside your house.  You are about to go outside into the freezing snow.  To protect yourself you put on several layers of clothing to keep you warm and safe before you leave the house.   This is what we all do each time we go outside to meet the world and connect with people.  You put on layers that cover up the  ‘real’  you and what you are really like to actually protect yourself from being hurt by others.

COPING WITH PEOPLE AND REMOVING LAYERS

As you feel more comfortable and safe with other people, you start to remove some of those layers so they can start to see who you really are.  The greater your feelings of trust and security the more outer layers you remove.  The more you reveal who you are to other people.  That is why those people you feel closest to, know more about you than anybody else.   Both your good and less appealing characteristics.

B:  HABITUAL BEHAVIOR AND DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Another way to get to know more about what someone is like, has to do with time and contact.   This simply means that when you have enough contact with another person and spend enough time with them, then their habitual behaviors start to show through under the layers.  Habitual behaviors are behaviors that are habits for people.  Habits are repeated often and are very hard to break.   This happens a lot in the workplace when you spend time and work closely with other people.  That is why over time, you can to see below the layers of other people as you observe their habits.  Sometimes this behavior can be endearing to you, other times it can make you very frustrated and stressed.   This is also why it can take some time for you to discover that someone you initially got on well with has now become exactly the opposite.

DO NOT PUT YOURSELF DOWN FOR NOT BEING SPOT ON

Because of these layers and the process of time and contact it is very hard to spot trouble ahead in dealing with people.  This is why you should never feel that you have failed by not realizing what someone was like from the start.  It just doesn’t work like this, it is only down the track that you find these things out.

MORE IDEAS ON DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE TO COME

So Sharon and Lilian, there is no magic wand to instantly know what someone is like and how difficult you will find them to be.  But in the next post we’ll discuss some tips that can speed up the process for you and others in spotting and dealing with difficult people.

Managing difficult people in your life is a process that all of us seem to go through at sometime.  Dealing with difficult people in the work setting might mean handling  your difficult boss, employees, colleagues or customers.

On the other hand, you may be dealing with difficult people in your personal life such as your partner, parents, children or other extended family members.

ADVICE FROM JOHN ON DIFFICULT PEOPLE

No matter what direction they come from and who they are, you do need strategies to effectively deal with the frustration, anger and distress they often cause you.  One of our readers, John has sent through two strategies he sees as important in dealing with people.

JOHN’S FIRST SUGGESTION ABOUT EFFECTIVE LISTENING

Here is what John had to say.  “With regard to managing difficult people,  I like to believe that effective listening would be one of the most important factors in dealing with difficult people. Without listening properly, one would tend to assume or jump to the wrong conclusions which may not help to address the real cause”.

EFFECTIVE LISTENING IS VERY, VERY HARD FOR US TO DO

John is right about effective listening, it is a very important skill in handling anyone, especially those people you find difficult to deal with.  However, it is probably one of the most complex skills to master.  As always, when your emotions are triggered by another person.  You feel hurt, furious, anxious or demoralized and then trying to effectively listen to that person is so, so hard.  But it certainly is a skill worth pursuing in handling anyone.

JOHN’S SECOND SUGGESTION ON UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIORS

Here is the other suggestion from John.   “Another useful application would be to have more understanding human behaviors.  It would be great if one can probe why a person is getting difficult or beyond reproach.  Occasionally, some of those behavioral science courses do provide an in-depth case study.  A person could be difficult due to poor sense of belonging, unhappy childhood upbringing.  Or perhaps, neglected during their early formative years.  We will never be able to know the true causes until we get to the rock bottom of each difficult person.  Hope that these inputs might be useful to you.  Thank you for keeping the communications open.  Best Regards,  John”.

UNDERSTANDING BELOW THE SURFACE

Again John makes an excellent point about the need to understand more about human behavior and going beneath the surface.  Many times what you experience from another person – their anger, annoyance, disparaging remarks and much more are often the surface behaviors to more underlying issues and problems.  Sometimes  when you are able to get underneath the behavior you can gain a greater understanding of why this person is acting in such an obnoxious way.  This does not excuse the behavior but certainly gives you a greater understanding in dealing with that difficult person.

HAVE YOU SOME IDEAS TO SHARE ON DEALING WITH PEOPLE

Thanks John for sharing your excellent ideas.  Have you got some further ideas to add on dealing with people?  We would be delighted to read your thoughts.  Just click on ‘comments’ and add your thoughts, ideas and suggestions too on managing difficult people.

Coping with difficult people at work often involves those who are your colleagues and coworkers.  Dealing with difficult people who are very negative can be a very draining process for everyone.  In other articles on dealing with difficult people we’ve considered those very negative people that you come across.

ANOTHER PERSPECTIVE ON NEGATIVE PEOPLE

But let’s add more ideas for you on handling coworkers who are frustratingly negative.   We’re always looking for good information for you to add a further perspective to dealing with difficult people.  About.com on Human Resources has a number of very good articles for you.  You can read the full article entitled How to Deal with a Negative Coworker: Negativity Matters by Susan M. Heathfield but here are a few summary points from the article to consider…

FIVE TIPS ON COPING WITH NEGATIVE COWORKERS

Here is a quick interpretation of some ways to deal with negative coworkers from the article…

1.  Avoid spending too much time with such negative people – their negativity can be draining

2.  If you cannot avoid them and must work closely with them, try to set some limits.  Try to not become  involved in negative discussions explaining you only want to come from a positive perspective.

3.  Never, ever become a sympathetic audience for negative people.  You will fall further and further down into negativity too.

4. Consider discussing the situation with your supervisor, manager or mentor.  Often discussing the situation with someone outside the circumstances can provide you with a range of different strategies to reduce the negativity of another person.

5. It might just be time for you to move on to another position within the company or leave and go elsewhere.  Staying positive about yourself and your job is very important both psychologically and physically for you.  If you find, when all else fails, that you are becoming increasingly down and demoralized in dealing with difficult people such as this negative coworker, then it is time to move on.

YOUR THOUGHTS ON COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Again, you can read the full article too.  And make sure to read the other articles on this website too. But what do you think? Have you other ways and thoughts on coping with difficult people who are negative both at work and in your personal life?  Just add your comments below, we’d be delighted to read what you have to say on negativity and coping with difficult people.

Managing difficult people at work and dealing with difficult people in your private life is always tough work. These people can be frustrating, annoying, irritating and stressful. Many times the advice you receive is about directly communicating with these difficult people. However, the vital need for preparation and planning is overlooked.

MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE AND THE 12 KEY STEPS IN DEALING WITH PEOPLE

So here is a summary of my 12 top steps to help you in managing difficult people. You can also read the full article on managing difficult people that expands on each of these 12 steps…



1. Listen with both your eyes and ears to what is going on around you.

2. Do not try to ignore it all because this will not go away.

3. Change your mindset and this will alter everything else.

4. Change your responses in this learning experience.

5. Be objective not subjective.

6. Aim to be professional and calm.

7. Look from the outside in.

8. Choose your battles carefully.

9. Strive to open and honest.

10. Remain respectful of other people.

11. Have empathy for another person.

12. Prepare to go deeper and under the surface.

SUCCESS IN MANAGING DIFFICULT PEOPLE

These 12 steps provide a successful foundation for you in dealing with difficult people at work and outside of work. To read the full managing difficult people article just click here.

THANKS TO THOSE WHO SENT IN THEIR THOUGHTS

Also, thanks to everyone who sent through their advice on the questions we asked in the previous blog post. Your advice and thoughts were very much appreciated. Thank you again.

YOUR FREE DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE GUIDE

Do you know of others that would like to read these ideas. Then tell them to visit our website for great ideas at http://www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.com

Have you also claimed your free introductory Guide yet? If not, just sign up with your first name and email address and you will have instant access to your Guide on Dealing with Difficult People.

Dealing with Difficult People Questions but asking you for advice…

Hi Everyone

I wanted to ask you one quick question. We want to keep developing the best products for you and others. Can you let me know – what would be the most helpful products and services for you now in dealing with difficult people or a difficult person?

I’d appreciate your thoughts on this. So please just send me a quick email with your thoughts about this question at…

support@dealingwithdifficultpeople.com

Thanks so much.

Judy

Dr Judy Esmond

P.S. We’ve made some major changes to our website and added more articles for you. So please do check it out for helping you in Dealing with Difficult People.

Dealing with Difficult People at Work can involve a range of strategies and techniques. In previous writings we’ve have talked about dealing with people when you need to remain calm and composed. One method to help you in dealing with difficult people is to use the ‘time out strategy’.

USING THIS STRATEGY IN COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

This time out strategy can be used and expanded upon when dealing with difficult people at work who continually interrupt you when trying to communicate with them. This technique can also be very effective in assisting you in handling friends and family.

THE ARTICLE ON DEALING WITH PEOPLE

You can read the full dealing with difficult people article on this strategy now. Or you can watch the presentation below that describes the time out strategy to use in working with difficult people who are interrupters. Enjoy the presentation…

Dealing With Difficult People at Work and The Timeout Strategy

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE AT WORK AND AT HOME

Do you need more help in dealing with people in your life that you are finding frustrating, annoying and stressful? Then our DEALING WITH PEOPLE Packages are just what you need. You’ll learn so much about both your personal life and in dealing with difficult people at work.